There is no hope for a broke, disabled performer in this crumbling society.

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. That has also been happening to me.

And, also a new thing as well. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child, but never had to deal with panic attacks before. I had a few in the last year or so before we moved, and since moving here I have had a few as well. Again, this is a new thing for me. And, I had to get through them alone, as my husband and was at work each time it happened. Not fun at all.

I am unable to perform anymore. Except maybe doing VoiceOver work, and that is such an incestuous, niche field as to make getting into it impossible. Nah, I learned a long time ago that hope does not spring eternal for me, if it ever did. Not after getting burned so... many... times... and, in a few instances, so badly. When I say 'I failed', let me assure you it was total. it was not that I failed with a single business venture. It was not that I failed with releasing a book or that an album did not do well. Everything I touched turned to black ash. Every band I started disintegrated. Every band that I joined disbanded sooner or later. Every play that I did led to nothing. Every film I was in went nowhere. (I doubt you have even heard of any of them.) Every television show I was in did nothing to advance me.

Yet, I keep on trying. Why? Because I got good reviews. Because people would come up to me and tell me how good of a singer, how good of an actor, how good of a musician I was. How decent my writing was. How solid my short pieces were. Because being a performer was the only thing that had meaning for me. Making people feel better was what I lived for. Making them laugh. Making them cry. Making them believe. That was everything to me.

Yet... nothing came of them. I tried. I am the type to do something day and night. When I worked at the school, I would sometimes be there for twelve-fourteen hours and smiling the whole time. I was the same way when I was doing theatre. Have I performed in front of a large crowd? Sure. St Patrick's Day, Savannah, GA... something like 8000+ that evening. (That was the biggest crowd I have ever played music for. The July 4th celebration at Long Beach, N.C. gig was second on that list, I think.) As far as acting... well that has many facets. I have performed as a clown in a parade that had around 6000 spectators. I have done 'murder mystery nights' that had a few hundred attendees. I have worked haunted houses that had a few thousand go through for the weekends leading up to and during Halloween. I have performed in a glass booth during the Christmas season at a major mall that had tens of thousands of shoppers each weekend. As a performer, I have done everything except panto and porn. I have written, produced, directed, decorated, cast... if it pertains to performance, I have probably done it. Plays, television shows, (no features yet) music acts, haunted houses, I have created and presented all of that.

What did it all mean? What did it even amount to? Well... nothing. Certainly nothing financially. I am no one and have nothing and might be on the street by January and can't get work and can't work anything 'normal'. I sometimes find it hard to leave the apartment. (I think that is partly why I am such 'horror' fan... monsters and headless ghouls don't scare me. People do.) There are days when moving is tough and thinking is tougher. I have some good days. Most are 'middle of the road' days. I can do some chores around the apartment, despite the occasional burst of neuropathy or arthritis. Of course, anytime I have a good day and actually go do something, I pay for it for a few days after, regardless of taking precautions to not overdo things. (A difficult prospect for a Taurus.) Those days are becoming more rare as time passes. This is one of the main reasons I am not employable. I can't be consistent from day to day. I can't stand for too long and I can't walk for too long. I can't sit for too long. Sometimes I find it difficult to sit without having... I don't know, spasms, I guess? Tics? I start doing some kind of repetitive motion. Like rocking back and forth. If you have seen a movie or TV show where a person is having a mental breakdown and how that manifests as far as physical reactions and motions, it is like that. This has been getting worse of late. Hell, it may be another breakdown. It will be my third untreated breakdown if it is.

The result is that my career destroyed me, both physically and mentally. To even think about it just hurts because it should have lead to.... something. To quote Terry Malloy, "I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it." Right now, one of my biggest mental issues is dealing with the realization that either everyone lied to me for my entire life and career, or I was cursed to failure and never had a chance despite plenty of evidence that I should have had one.

So, trying to decide which one it is and how to deal with that has been eating me alive. Now, there is the addition of intractable pain, mounting medical issues that are bankrupting us, new evidence that my health is quickly getting worse, and no options as far as the means to pay for any of this. My husband is overwhelmed and withdrawn. I don't blame him. It is all my fault.

I am cursed. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

(Damn, the floodgates opened again.)