There is no hope for a broke, disabled performer in this crumbling society.

[OldBaldy1701E]

There are people out there right now with skills and training that would be more than helpful in this situation, and they are in just as bad of a place as I am. But, they have something that will. be needed, so they have a purpose and a future.

Me? Get real.

What can someone who has been all but shunned by the community hope to do? My medical bills are piling up with no relief in sight and no way to handle them. We had to go live in an apartment (first time in over thirty years) and it is not going well either.

So many people out there are going to be in real trouble as more and more of our society crumbles under the assault of the wealthy. Yes, that is the end game for all of this. They want to remove as many of those who are not 'good little wage slaves' as they can.

In such an assault on our society, there is no way I can do anything when I am struggling at the bottom just to survive.

Well, there are two things I can do. It basically boils down to this...

Start shit or end shit. Either start the revolution, or admit that it is all over and remove myself from the equation.

I am now at the point where I don't even see the need to deal with my depression and anxiety. Why bother? There is nothing a poor person can do about any of it. One especially hysterical thing is that I am an old, bald, fat white person. Depending on when you ask, the entire world's problems are my fault. Me, a poor, unknown performer who failed in life, is the cause of all of this. Yet, because I am an old fat, white person, it is expected that I can just snap my fingers and help will come flooding in. What a complete joke. But, they persist in this assessment of what is going on.

Sure, why not. Since I am the cause, maybe I can hope that someone will decide to take care of me, since I am so dangerous.

I'd laugh if I could. I'd cry as well. But, instead, I am just numb and empty. Sitting here alone day after day without any hope of even someone to talk to once in a while. (In person, btw. I guess I am just too old, but texting does not do anything for me, except allow me to communicate with someone without using the phone. It is not the place for conversations about life, despite what most 14 year olds will tell you. Plus, I need to have a physical presence in order to feel at ease.) It has been almost ten years since the move, and I have no one to talk to, even if we were to text.

I can feel that I am slipping mentally. I can feel that my heart is now starting to act like it did before the quad bypass. No matter, there is no way I can do anything about it. Medical Assistance has ignored me. I have tried to track down assistance or help at the county and state level, and they have also had nothing to say or offer, other than another number that leads to another person who will tell me that they don't do 'that' kind of help. I lost my dental insurance a week ago. We are broke, the bill came in, and the account denied it because there was not enough in it. So, no more teeth insurance at a time when I need my mouth addressed badly. At this point, I just want them all out, since it doesn't matter anyway. (Depression is a bitch when it comes to hygiene and thanks to having to suffer through it for decades with no help, my teeth paid the price. Oh well, who cares, right?)

I will never understand the desire to keep someone alive when they are suffering and just want that to end. Is it so important to those who don't want to feel badly over a loved one's death that the person has to suffer for decades to make sure they don't? That seems very... selfish... to me. Ironic that the usual schtick about such an action (often described as 'a coward's way out') doesn't want to address this.

I apologize to everyone here, but I have no where else and no one else. There is no medical help for me in any way, be it physically or mentally, because I am not rich. But, the powers that be would charge me with a crime if I failed in my attempt. They would also try to indict my husband for not trying to 'save' me, even if I were to do this far away from him and without any warning. (They don't like it when the peons escape.)

That is why I have not done it yet. I know my husband will be better off once my drain on his life is ended. I know the world will not miss me, nor will it remember me. I know that my own family couldn't care less, even though they would say otherwise for appearances sake. The idea that everything I have ever done in my life was a complete waste of time is destroying me. Without some kind of purpose or something fulfilling to do, I am empty and dead inside.

As Yoda said, "Try not! DO! Or, do not. There is no 'try." Well, I 'did not'. Time to make room for someone who can 'do'.

[Goonch]

1. The 988 Lifeline represents a portal to treatment, resources - a person to talk to

Why not give it a call?

[OldBaldy1701E]

6. To be honest, I have tried them three times in the past few years.

The first two times, I was cussed out by the person because they felt I was wasting their time (one actually accused me of purposely trying to undermine their attempt to help me because I was joking around)... I guess because I was not holding a knife to my throat when I called. The last time, it was so 'on script' and devoid of being able to understand that I had either already tried the site they mentioned or that the site did not apply to my situation that I just politely said goodbye and hung up.

That resource may be useful for some, but my personal experience with them has not been positive. I wish they had more to offer, because they keep wanting to direct me to sites that don't have anything to offer someone in my position. I suppose that the people at 988 wouldn't know about every little aspect of every site they have in their database, but they have not been able to help me when I contact them, not to mention being rather rude about the whole thing those first two times I attempted to contact them for help.

[Easterncedar]

2. You can write

Not being glib. Emails of outrage to govt and news outlets. Do not go gently

[OldBaldy1701E]

7. Not a bad idea. (n/t)

[progressoid]

3. I recognize sooo much of what you wrote.

Last edited Tue Oct 14, 2025, 03:27 PM - Edit history (1)

You are not alone. While our circumstances are slightly different, I feel it too.

With the realization of all the shit going on, I had a full blown panic attack a few weeks ago. Something I've never had before. Thankfully there were some left over the prescription drugs from my earlier life that helped. (Better than the previous attempts using alcohol).
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I typed and erased a few other things but I'll just go with this, there is hope for a for a broke, disabled performer.

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. That has also been happening to me.

And, also a new thing as well. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child, but never had to deal with panic attacks before. I had a few in the last year or so before we moved, and since moving here I have had a few as well. Again, this is a new thing for me. And, I had to get through them alone, as my husband and was at work each time it happened. Not fun at all.

I am unable to perform anymore. Except maybe doing VoiceOver work, and that is such an incestuous, niche field as to make getting into it impossible. Nah, I learned a long time ago that hope does not spring eternal for me, if it ever did. Not after getting burned so... many... times... and, in a few instances, so badly. When I say 'I failed', let me assure you it was total. it was not that I failed with a single business venture. It was not that I failed with releasing a book or that an album did not do well. Everything I touched turned to black ash. Every band I started disintegrated. Every band that I joined disbanded sooner or later. Every play that I did led to nothing. Every film I was in went nowhere. (I doubt you have even heard of any of them.) Every television show I was in did nothing to advance me.

Yet, I keep on trying. Why? Because I got good reviews. Because people would come up to me and tell me how good of a singer, how good of an actor, how good of a musician I was. How decent my writing was. How solid my short pieces were. Because being a performer was the only thing that had meaning for me. Making people feel better was what I lived for. Making them laugh. Making them cry. Making them believe. That was everything to me.

Yet... nothing came of them. I tried. I am the type to do something day and night. When I worked at the school, I would sometimes be there for twelve-fourteen hours and smiling the whole time. I was the same way when I was doing theatre. Have I performed in front of a large crowd? Sure. St Patrick's Day, Savannah, GA... something like 8000+ that evening. (That was the biggest crowd I have ever played music for. The July 4th celebration at Long Beach, N.C. gig was second on that list, I think.) As far as acting... well that has many facets. I have performed as a clown in a parade that had around 6000 spectators. I have done 'murder mystery nights' that had a few hundred attendees. I have worked haunted houses that had a few thousand go through for the weekends leading up to and during Halloween. I have performed in a glass booth during the Christmas season at a major mall that had tens of thousands of shoppers each weekend. As a performer, I have done everything except panto and porn. I have written, produced, directed, decorated, cast... if it pertains to performance, I have probably done it. Plays, television shows, (no features yet) music acts, haunted houses, I have created and presented all of that.

What did it all mean? What did it even amount to? Well... nothing. Certainly nothing financially. I am no one and have nothing and might be on the street by January and can't get work and can't work anything 'normal'. I sometimes find it hard to leave the apartment. (I think that is partly why I am such 'horror' fan... monsters and headless ghouls don't scare me. People do.) There are days when moving is tough and thinking is tougher. I have some good days. Most are 'middle of the road' days. I can do some chores around the apartment, despite the occasional burst of neuropathy or arthritis. Of course, anytime I have a good day and actually go do something, I pay for it for a few days after, regardless of taking precautions to not overdo things. (A difficult prospect for a Taurus.) Those days are becoming more rare as time passes. This is one of the main reasons I am not employable. I can't be consistent from day to day. I can't stand for too long and I can't walk for too long. I can't sit for too long. Sometimes I find it difficult to sit without having... I don't know, spasms, I guess? Tics? I start doing some kind of repetitive motion. Like rocking back and forth. If you have seen a movie or TV show where a person is having a mental breakdown and how that manifests as far as physical reactions and motions, it is like that. This has been getting worse of late. Hell, it may be another breakdown. It will be my third untreated breakdown if it is.

The result is that my career destroyed me, both physically and mentally. To even think about it just hurts because it should have lead to.... something. To quote Terry Malloy, "I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it." Right now, one of my biggest mental issues is dealing with the realization that either everyone lied to me for my entire life and career, or I was cursed to failure and never had a chance despite plenty of evidence that I should have had one.

So, trying to decide which one it is and how to deal with that has been eating me alive. Now, there is the addition of intractable pain, mounting medical issues that are bankrupting us, new evidence that my health is quickly getting worse, and no options as far as the means to pay for any of this. My husband is overwhelmed and withdrawn. I don't blame him. It is all my fault.

I am cursed. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

(Damn, the floodgates opened again.)

[Alice Kramden]

4. I really feel for you in this situation

And it's good that you are writing about it. Journaling is valuable when we're in a tough spot - gives clarity. Hoping for some relief for you You are not alone

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. Thank you, Mrs Kramden.

I appreciate your reply. And, how you handle that husband of yours!

So, a bit of trivia I learned about that show. Anytime you saw them drinking from a glass or a coffee mug, 99% of the time it was an alcoholic drink, or just straight alcohol. Yet, they were able to create that genius show week after week.

Some performers are just superhuman. (I love to get high, but when I am working, I am working. So, unless the performance allows it, I can't get high and work. I am not good enough to do that. They, however, were that good and more.)

[justaprogressive]

5. Well, at least you're talking to us...

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. There are some who feel I talk too much.

Especially around this place where I now reside. (I had one local describe the prevalent behavior here as 'Nordic taciturn', and they see me as really gregarious. Like, loudly so. Which is hysterical to myself, as where I am from, folks see me as rather introverted, even though I was a performer.)

But, I appreciate the support. I am trying to be more expressive and less 'enraged to the point of lashing out at everyone and everything'.

You know... typical Taurian behavior.

[Alice Kramden]

11. Expressive is good