There is no hope for a broke, disabled performer in this crumbling society.

[OldBaldy1701E]

There are people out there right now with skills and training that would be more than helpful in this situation, and they are in just as bad of a place as I am. But, they have something that will. be needed, so they have a purpose and a future.

Me? Get real.

What can someone who has been all but shunned by the community hope to do? My medical bills are piling up with no relief in sight and no way to handle them. We had to go live in an apartment (first time in over thirty years) and it is not going well either.

So many people out there are going to be in real trouble as more and more of our society crumbles under the assault of the wealthy. Yes, that is the end game for all of this. They want to remove as many of those who are not 'good little wage slaves' as they can.

In such an assault on our society, there is no way I can do anything when I am struggling at the bottom just to survive.

Well, there are two things I can do. It basically boils down to this...

Start shit or end shit. Either start the revolution, or admit that it is all over and remove myself from the equation.

I am now at the point where I don't even see the need to deal with my depression and anxiety. Why bother? There is nothing a poor person can do about any of it. One especially hysterical thing is that I am an old, bald, fat white person. Depending on when you ask, the entire world's problems are my fault. Me, a poor, unknown performer who failed in life, is the cause of all of this. Yet, because I am an old fat, white person, it is expected that I can just snap my fingers and help will come flooding in. What a complete joke. But, they persist in this assessment of what is going on.

Sure, why not. Since I am the cause, maybe I can hope that someone will decide to take care of me, since I am so dangerous.

I'd laugh if I could. I'd cry as well. But, instead, I am just numb and empty. Sitting here alone day after day without any hope of even someone to talk to once in a while. (In person, btw. I guess I am just too old, but texting does not do anything for me, except allow me to communicate with someone without using the phone. It is not the place for conversations about life, despite what most 14 year olds will tell you. Plus, I need to have a physical presence in order to feel at ease.) It has been almost ten years since the move, and I have no one to talk to, even if we were to text.

I can feel that I am slipping mentally. I can feel that my heart is now starting to act like it did before the quad bypass. No matter, there is no way I can do anything about it. Medical Assistance has ignored me. I have tried to track down assistance or help at the county and state level, and they have also had nothing to say or offer, other than another number that leads to another person who will tell me that they don't do 'that' kind of help. I lost my dental insurance a week ago. We are broke, the bill came in, and the account denied it because there was not enough in it. So, no more teeth insurance at a time when I need my mouth addressed badly. At this point, I just want them all out, since it doesn't matter anyway. (Depression is a bitch when it comes to hygiene and thanks to having to suffer through it for decades with no help, my teeth paid the price. Oh well, who cares, right?)

I will never understand the desire to keep someone alive when they are suffering and just want that to end. Is it so important to those who don't want to feel badly over a loved one's death that the person has to suffer for decades to make sure they don't? That seems very... selfish... to me. Ironic that the usual schtick about such an action (often described as 'a coward's way out') doesn't want to address this.

I apologize to everyone here, but I have no where else and no one else. There is no medical help for me in any way, be it physically or mentally, because I am not rich. But, the powers that be would charge me with a crime if I failed in my attempt. They would also try to indict my husband for not trying to 'save' me, even if I were to do this far away from him and without any warning. (They don't like it when the peons escape.)

That is why I have not done it yet. I know my husband will be better off once my drain on his life is ended. I know the world will not miss me, nor will it remember me. I know that my own family couldn't care less, even though they would say otherwise for appearances sake. The idea that everything I have ever done in my life was a complete waste of time is destroying me. Without some kind of purpose or something fulfilling to do, I am empty and dead inside.

As Yoda said, "Try not! DO! Or, do not. There is no 'try." Well, I 'did not'. Time to make room for someone who can 'do'.