...having a bad night

[orleans]

7. thank you all--so much for your gentle thoughts, your kind words, and hugs

it was just such a terrible night last night--the worst i've had in a long, long time (except for the night before which was just as bad)

it was just all building, and building, in my head--you know?

she died on a tuesday--yesterday was tuesday. it was a rainy evening and night. yesterday was a rainy evening and night. just a lot of repeating of things--in my head, and in the world around me.

today was a lot better--there hasn't been a crash yet and hopefully there will not be.

i have know grief throughout my life--as most of us/all of us have. i saw it in the faces and heard it in the whispers of older relatives when i was a child, wandering around the funeral home with my older cousins. we officially met when i was fifteen and my nana, who lived with us, died. and a couple years later when a dear friend was murdered. and on and on and on it goes. my father, other relatives, friends, beloved pets, both before and since my mom left. but grief has never been so intense, so severe, so debilitating, so cruel to me than the grief that became part of my life six years ago.

at least it's not like it was--i can go for days, a week, sometimes longer, pushing it back and pushing it down, and pretending everything is normal and fine.