I'm tired of pretending not to be depressed

[nadine_mn]

6. your point about hypervigilance to the feelings of others

really hits home - I was *trained* to put my mom's needs first all the time and it has just carried over to everywhere else.


It's not so much about seeing something wrong with needing help it's more - trying to find the way to say it. My mom drilled into my head every single day that I lived with her (17 yrs) and then nearly every contact with her, that I am "mean" (her favorite word) to her and that I am a bad person. She said it all the time - so I truly, truly believe it. So much so, that I cannot believe people are capable (except in very rare occasions - Hitler) of being meaner than I am. Like, clearly I am the worst so if I can't think of doing it, no one else could. Then of course, I am always stunned when I do encounter people who are truly just shitty. Like hearing Paul Ryan talk about how since college he wanted to get people off Medicare. I cannot comprehend it. It really fucks with my head.

So when I tell people how I feel, and they cry or get upset - it reinforces that belief that I am mean, that I am hurting them. Logically I know they are showing empathy...but then I can't understand why someone would want to empathize with a person as bad as me.

Oh I know reading it, it sounds so fucked up. I really need to credit my mom for the fantastic brainwashing she did because it is so hard to counter it.