I need some help with a problem. As some of you know, my family was/is terrible abusive to me. Physical, emotional, and

[Trueblue Texan]

52. I also suffered abuse from family, though nothing as severe as you did.

Here is what I learned eventually: Nothing, NOTHING I ever did would please them. EVERYTHING I did would justify the way they chose to treat me. Every sacrifice I made would be framed as an inadequacy or an injury against them. So many, many hours, days, months, years were spent trying to explain myself, trying to give them the best of me until one day I realized 2 things: They were just f-cking crazy. They couldn’t listen to reason, couldn’t accept the truth about me because it would make them see their own inadequacies. I realized also, that unless I was willing to continue enduring their abuse, I had no other choice but to walk away from the relationships. I realized that the only reason I had been expecting them to understand or expecting the relationship to get better is because I had bought into their craziness and was embracing it as my own. I had accepted in some way that their abuse was my fault, that if only I had lived up to their expectations, I would have been treated better. I finally had to accept that lie was just another part of the abuse cycle, gaslighting, changing history, and turning my best efforts into something sinister and hateful. I learned to open my eyes fully and see the truth and I got the courage to walk away.

I had to grieve my family, long before they were gone. Each day I had to accept that the relationships I had worked so hard to create would never ever be. I had been trying to create something that was simply impossible to create with them It was a very bitter realization that I had wasted so many years of my life on something so utterly futile. I stayed away for everything except an occasional funeral and I didn’t engage with them when I did see them. Now they are all dead and I am the only sibling left. I have never once regretted my decision to finally walk away because I know, without any doubt whatsoever, that I did my very best to love them and make it work. But I finally had to accept who they were and accept that I didn’t deserve their abuse.

I don’t know if this helps you and I hope you don’t think I’m trying to tell you what you should feel or do. I just want you to know you are not alone and you have every right to demand to be appreciated and safe with those you love. You are no longer a child who didn’t have the choice or means to escape. As an adult, you have the ability to label the guilt and manipulation they offer for what it obviously is. As long as you stay in the relationship, you can only expect more abuse and more of their crazy making behavior. And the more you try to defend yourself from their abuse, the more weaponry you give them. You will not win with people this toxic. Fighting the battle only arms them more. I hope you know you are deserving of love and appreciation and you do not need to defend your behavior to people who are incapable of or simply refuse to see you for who you are.

Big hugs to you, sweet lady. You deserve better. Be strong and don’t buy their lies and guilt.