Spurious News: Trump names Alexander Bortnikov as Acting Director of National Intelligence! [View all]
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- The recent resignation of Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has created a vacuum at the highest levels of the Trump Administration. King Donald Trump plans to fill it in the most unusual way.
"I am hereby naming Alexander Bortnikov as Acting Director of National Intelligence," Trump posted on Truth Social, his Twitter clone. "In these troubled times, America needs a highly experienced intelligence professional at the helm, and Director Bortnikov's years at the highest level of intelligence will Make America Great Again!"
The US intelligence community is in an uproar.
"This can't be happening," said Director of Central Intelligence John Ratcliffe. "Does Trump even know who Alexander Bortnikov is?"
General Joshua Rudd, US Army, Director of the National Security Agency, put his head in his hands after hearing the news. "Bortnikov runs Russian intelligence," said General Rudd. "The only thing worse than having a consumer too stupid to understand what you're telling him is having a consumer too dangerous to tell anything to - and that's Bortnikov."
Dr. Christopher Scolese, Director of the National Reconnaissance Office, said "the 'less' function is going to get a hell of a workout." The "less" function enables the sender of an intelligence report to not send it to a particular address on its distribution list by typing the address of the person you want to leave out preceded by the word "less."
Lieutenant General James H. Adams III, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, was very succinct in his reply: "Did Russian intelligence tell Trump they were tired of digging up Ivana's casket or going in his restrooms to get the information he's leaking to them?"
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