I hate the whole toxic positivity when it comes to mental health

[crimycarny]

I lost my son to suicide, coming up on 4 years now. I joined a support group for Suicide Loss survivors and, while it's been a big help, certain long-term members on the site spout their own beliefs as gospel.

It's the whole "mindful thinking" philosophy: "Where you are in your grief is a choice", "Everyone can change where they are at mentally if they choose growth." "Grief can be a great teacher if you choose growth." That is so arrogant to say to someone else. I picture someone sitting in yoga pants, drinking chai tea, telling someone who has been stabbled 100 times and is curled up in a ball on the floor, "You know, you are choosing the pain you are in." I get it's meant as a pep talk, but I don't find it helpful.

Mental health is the only human disease I know of where the sufferer is allegedly "choosing" the symptoms of their disease. Would we tell someone with Parkinson's they are "choosing" their tremors? Someone suffering an asthma attack is "choosing" not to breathe? Then why do we assume that someone's mood is a choice versus a symptom of a disease, such as depression?

This Zen shit drives me nuts. So you've got two identical twins, one loses her child to suicide, and the other twin's children go on to live happy lives. So the twin who lost her child is going to have more "growth" than her twin whose kids are thriving? Sorry, I'll take non-growth over this absolute hell I'm in.

[DaBronx]

1. I agree

I am sorry for your great loss. Sometimes it is comforting when people can just listen and alleviate some of the heartache and loss even for a few minutes. I find it helps when a friend expresses understanding. To be heard is to release a drop of pain.. Grief is a long process and no one should be told about choices.i think you eloquently stated your feelings.

[crimycarny]

3. Thank you--and yes, just listen but don't lecture

I understand that the person giving this advice is trying to be helpful and means no harm. But I wish she said it more along the lines of "This worked for me, maybe give it a try and see if it works for you?". Versus "this worked for me and if it doesn't work for you that means you are making a choice."

To me, that is like saying my son's suicide was a choice made with a rational mind. Suicide is a lot more complicated than that. To be able to override the brain's most basic instinct of survival means something much more complex is going on inside the brain.

Anyway, thanks for your reply and sorry for the rant. I'm just frustrated because this simplisitic idea of "choice" versus "disease" keeps us stuck in treating mental health effectively.

[LuvLoogie]

2. The grief of one's loss is personal.

And we have to learn to be there for each other as needed. Sometimes it's just being in the same house, present nearby, quietly sharing space, a warm beverage.

Having each other's emotional backs. No expectations. Just love, and readiness to catch and lift during those overwhelming moments, storms.

[3catwoman3]

4. Grief can be great teacher? Maybe, but there are some lessons we would rather not learn...

…and those that come from losing a child, for any reason, would be at the top of that list.The people saying that sound not only arrogant, but presumptuous.

What a terrible loss you are dealing with. Wishing you strength and courage, and sending you a virtual hug.

[mopinko]

5. sounds like denial to me.

sorry u have to deal w that kind of whateverthatis. sadly, we cant just tell our brains to stop having pain, or being depressed. it doesnt work like that.

maybe find a different group.

[crimycarny]

6. I think it's a fear of the thought that this grief and pain is just that--grief and pain with no desperation meaning

My son’s death destroyed every thing I used to believe in. My son’s death was my death, I’m just a shell. There is no past (all the happy memories of my son now seem lies—was he ever happy? There is no present, it’s all pain. There is no future, my son isn’t here). To think all this pain may be meaningless…his death was meaningless (to the world, not me)..that’s too scary and painful for some. There has to be some POINT, right? So they tell themselves that this awful loss is a chance to grow, find a new path, walk off into the sunset. Grow into WHAT? I want my old life back. I want my son back. End of story.

[mopinko]

7. i've been spared your fate, but

i have several friends who wear your shoes. i raised a couple mentally ill kids, and lived in that fear.
is all i can say. it’s a special hell.
i guess u cant b mad at someone who has to find a story to tell themselves. but yeah, do it in a way that doesnt deny the horror for other ppl. and hard to respond in a way that doesnt tear another mother down.

[Lulu KC]

8. Agreed

It is totally irritating. There ought to be a law against it. It is irrelevant in a period of deep grief and way too simplistic and just plain WRONG in the case of suicide, IMHO.
The people I know who've experienced this have taken some comfort, however miniscule, in reading memoirs by other parents of children who had done the same.
Take care of yourself, one day at a time, chop wood, carry water. A true Zen approach would know the suffering is very real.

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. Firstly this.

Secondly, Preach On! OMGs, give me a break from that. It feels like a slap in the face. A person's mental issues are by choice??



You are right to feel the way you do. I wish I could do something to make it better, but that is about as lame as the other shit. Just know that I and others are here and wish you the ability to find that place where healing is possible. (I wouldn't mind finding that place myself.)