Any other single no kids, no grandkids aunt or uncle who feels invisible at the holidays with family?

[Beatlelvr]

I'm having a hard time with this, especially this year. Went to Thanksgiving at brother's house, SIL, their two grown daughters, 5 grandchildren, plus one's boyfriend. I was in a funk to begin with and probably shouldn't have gone. But once all the 20- somethings all started talking at once about the most inane things, I couldn't stand it anymore. By the way, its always like this. Its exhausting. And yes, I'm 74, losing patience as I age. For years I've just abided it, anxious to escape. And these are all good people, and not a Republican in the bunch either! Brother and SIL held up pretty well, but it sent me over the edge this time. And no one noticed when I got up and slipped out the door. I left the two dishes I made.

When I got home 5 minutes later, I texted my apology to SIL and said I'd be back next day to retrieve my stuff.

I know the problem is ME, and I've tried to deal with this for decades. Basically, when you have no kids or grandkids you are invisible. Yes, I could engage more with the discussion, but the discussion is usually so boring, all about the kids and school and sports, ad nauseum.

Question is, what am I going to do at Christmas? I'm considering starting counseling, going to call Kaiser tomorrow. There must be a way to continue being with my family so as not to alienate them or make myself feel the odd one out all the time.

Have any of you dealt with this issue?
Any words of wisdom? Love you guys.

[Chasstev365]

1. Sorry; that's a difficult place to be in

I would highly recommend counseling, if you are open to being honest with the therapist about what you really feel! If you hold back, it will be difficult to move forward.

You may not get all the answers, but I bet you will learn strategies to help you deal with your family in a better manner.

Hoping the best for you in 2026!

[Beatlelvr]

2. Thank you

[Marthe48]

3. I am widowed and go to my daughter's home for the holidays now

Not quite the same as your situation. But, after we all say hello, and I offer to help, and the polite refusals, I play with the pets. I see my daughter and her family at least weekly, usually at their home. I'm usually caught up on their news, but I try to remember to ask each person about something they mentioned on a previous visit. Pretty much toss them the conversational ball.

I don't feel a group situation is a good time to have deep conversation, unless it is good news that will lift the vibe. I don't follow sports, but I ask about favorite teams-around this time of year, it makes for some back and forth. Small talk is always good. Talking about weather, mentioning new boots or other clothes is a good way to engage. I keep it light, even if the subjects are not my first choice. My daughter is in a reading group, and while I might ask what they're reading, I wait for a lunch date to hear more about the book and their opinions about it.

I'm happy I was invited, that I have a tasty meal with people I like. I'm going home to an empty house. For that, I try to have some kind of project or activity to look forward to. I'm usually home before dark, with a plate of leftovers.

If you talk to a mental health professional, I hope it helps. Each of us, especially if we're older, have preferences and maybe a family dinner isn't top of the list, not what what the reason.

[Beatlelvr]

9. You are right

Holidays are for enjoying yourself with friends and loved ones. Deep discussions don't play well. And I'm glad to be included. Just need to adjust I guess. Thanks for sharing

[1WorldHope]

4. Our family gave up on trying to get together once everyone grew up.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are lovely to spend with friends. If you don't have that ability then being with strangers who you have something in common with. These people I've been protesting with are doing all kinds of get togethers. Or volunteer at a food kitchen, or join some residents at the nursing home. It's not much fun being in a loud room with people you have nothing in common with. I hope you find your answer, you sound so lonely. 💐

[Beatlelvr]

10. Along those lines...

I've joined the local Womens Club that is very active, with several volunteer issues to get involved with. Looking forward to that. Thanks!

[Boomerproud]

5. I hear you. I'm single with no children and feel

Like my invitations to family gatherings are just rote. I would seek help if it's a big problem for you. It's been that way for me since my mom died 9 years ago. The holidays mean nothing to me. BTW, I love your username. We're close in age (will be 70 in the spring). Of course I'm happy that life is good and interesting for my niece and nephews and their kids , so I'll leave it at that. Hope everything gets better for you.

[Beatlelvr]

11. Like your name too!

We aren't religious, so the "holidays" are kind of meaningless in that regard.
Thanks for your response

[Staph]

6. 71 here, no kids.

I hear you.

From time to time I get in a funk, particularly when we talk about family and genealogy. I look at that family tree and hear all of the family stories, and realize that I am a dead end branch.

Once my nieces and nephews, and some of the great-nieces and -nephews are gone, I will disappear from the world. No memories of me. No funny stories. Dead end branches are pruned from family trees.

But then I wipe my eyes and head back into the kitchen and pay attention to the conversation, try to add my two bits, make them laugh. While I'm still on this earth, I'm the "cool aunt", the funny one, the one with the great travel stories and horrible puns. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough.

[Beatlelvr]

12. Yes, exactly

I may get a question about my next trip (Africa next May), but thats it. Back to the usual.
Same here about my branch of the family tree.
Thanks so much for your input

[Scrivener7]

19. We are all forgotten eventually. Do you know the full names of your great grandparents?

The idea that children will keep your memory alive forever is untrue. And I don't care much if I'm forgotten sooner or later. I will be remembered by the ones who love me and who I love. That's enough.

I am getting older. I work hard to maintain connections, and so far it's going well. I had friends and family to my house at Thanksgiving.

[Staph]

26. I'm one of the genealogy geeks in the family.

I can trace my mother's family, name by name, back to Switzerland in the 1500s (though the "glorious history" of the Judy/von Tschudi family goes back to Yost Schudy who was knighted in 870 AD). Her maternal family came over from Germany in the mid-1700s.

My dad's maternal grandparents immigrated from Denmark in the 1880s, but I've got Danish census records going back to the early 1900s. I was named after Dad's Danish grandmother, my great-grandmother. Dad's paternal line came over from England about 1700.

So, yeah, I know a bunch about my grandparents and great-grandparents and so on and so forth. But it saddens me to look at all of those ancestors and realize that those who didn't have kids, the dead end branches like me, disappear.

BTW, we have an annual family reunion each year, with the descendants of my mother's parents. We usually have 50-60 people there - my cousins and sisters, their children and grandchildren. We West Virginians are big on family!

[Scrivener7]

33. It saddens me that you think of yourself as a "dead end branch."

[True Dough]

24. Hey Staph,

maybe you are a "dead end branch" in terms of pollination, but don't let that stop you from savoring the seasons and flaunting that amazing foliage.

Making others laugh is a great gift!

[Fyrefox]

7. I can sure relate...

I relate to what you've said, and you've hit the nail squarely on the head! I'm divorced, and childless not by choice. My parents are long dead, and my remaining family resides over two hundred miles away, a long drive in vicious traffic. I've been invited there for the holidays but don't care to go because I don't want to be regaled with tales of the successes and exploits of the distinguished children and grandchildren who have traipsed around the world. I can't relate to that and don't belong to their monied and materialistic lifestyle. My career was in education, so now I'm starving with dignity.

Christmas holds a mirror up to what is missing in our lives, so it's no wonder that so many of us live a life of quiet despair, and that counselors and therapists are exceedingly busy at this time when visions of idyllic family togetherness and love grind against jarring reality. I used to dread this time of year, and the sound of Xmas music in stores would almost drive me to tears. I've since learned to accept the cards that life has dealt me, and accept the fact that although my walk through life has been different from others, it still has value, and we must cultivate that awareness. Perhaps it may help to know that there are others out there who can relate, and do understand...

[Beatlelvr]

14. Thank you for your post

Alot I can relate to.
I learned from my mother to be of service to others...that has helped me get through some emotionally trying times.
Hang in there Fyrefox. Thank you.

[yobrault1]

8. Considering therapy is always a good idea

for any reason but might I suggest stepping out out of your comfort zone a little bit. I have a big family we get together every time my brother is in town. We go to the same pizza restaurant where I don’t even really like the pizza, but we go anyways because it can seat all of us and we sit and we all get caught up in about our lives and then we go home. One year when we were at a pizza night I suggested that we go bowling at a local bowling alley. Now to know me is to know that I’m not a real joiner kind of person. to everyone it was unusual that I came up with this idea, but I wanted to do something different and break everybody out of the usual conversations and just mix things up a little bit we went bowling and it was a lot of fun and we even did it a couple more times. Now, we also include game nights when we’re getting together for a family night. It just helps break us out of our routine about talking about ourselves ad nauseam and often having somebody feeling left out. Not sure if this helps you at all, but I just thought I would share it. .

[Beatlelvr]

15. Those sound like good ideas.

A few folks, like SIL, may be up for something different. All I can do is suggest.
Thank you for responding.

[anciano]

13. Let me take your questions one at a time....

1. "Have any of you dealt with this issue?"

Yes, I also am dealing with invisibility, but on a regular basis. I am a 78 year old retiree who is leasing a house with my son, DIL, and her 2 sons who recently graduated high school. They all work, have completely different lifestyles, outlooks, and political views from mine, and they all mostly stay in their own personal areas whenever they are home. There is minimal interaction with them and there is not a real family feel to the situation. Whenever there is a conversation I usually can't relate or contribute anything meaningful. Since I no longer drive and have limited mobility, I have adapted to a loner lifestyle. But thanks to DU, I am able to communicate with like minded friends and I at least have my "DU family".

2. "Any words of wisdom?"

No, I am not a licensed professional and am not qualified to address this issue for anyone else, so calling the folks at Kaiser to seek genuine professional guidance sounds like a good idea.

Best wishes and good luck!

[Beatlelvr]

16. I'm thankful for DU also!

First thing I check on in the morning.
I've learned alot. It makes me laugh, makes me cry sometimes, informs me of the latest issues.
Thank you do much for posting and sharing a bit about your situation.

[Bmoboy]

17. I have kids, grandkids, and still feel blue ar holiday time.

I am 75 and have my own health issues and I feel like I have little energy to give out.

I think about how my relationship with my parents diminished over the years.

I had a family to support, jobs, the daily grind and spent less and less time with my folks.

My kids are going through the same struggles with their jobs, kids, etc as I did, so they don't have time to tend to me.

Never liked this time of year. Enforced happiness is a bummer.

Denial, distraction, devotion (politics, writing, DU) are the tricks I use.

Maybe a little intoxicant on occasion.

[drmeow]

18. My closest family

is 6 hours away so there is no slipping out and going home. I always make sure I have a book to read and when the kids start blathering about things I don't care about, I slip away and read for a while. Eventually the 20 somethings leave to do social things with their peers and the parents and grandparents can chat about other things. I don't like knitting but I think I might work on crocheting to give me something to do that is not reading in those situations. Then it may feel a lot less like a complete and utter waste of time to be there.

Right now my parents are still alive. I fully anticipate that I'm going to become invisible to my family once my parents are gone. Since that is the pattern for me in my family, I won't be surprised but it will also likely be hurtful. I'm hoping my oldest niece and nephew (with whom I have the best relationships of that generation) will stay engaged with me but don't have a lot of hope. I've been thinking a lot about what will happen if (when?) my spouse (who is in worse health than I am) dies before me. I'm expecting to have to come up with ways to be active and social without family, which is going to be hard for me as I'm not a joiner.

[tazcat]

20. I hope you feel better. Maybe you have pets to focus on or start a project.

I am the last one of my family. Lost my friends to the traitor, so, my animals and home remodeling keep me busy. Just wish I had someone to drive me to surgery. Oh well, things could always be worse. Don't forget to put music on as soon as you get up! Chin up!

[Warpy]

21. I miss being a nurse, I'd work all the holidays and get holiday pay

just in time for sales. Plus, I'd be a hero to all the people who wanted to be home with the kids. It was a win win.

Now I'm old and I just hibernate. There are compensations, I'm not spending my time waiting for busy family to show up, squeezing in a short visit on a really busy day. I sure as hell don't miss the workload of doing all the holiday shit all by myself.

I will still be glad when they're over. Days will start to get a little longer, meaning we''re going to exit the dark tunnel of Standard Tieme in a very few months. Mostly, we can get back to politics.

[littlemissmartypants]

22. I'm alone. But I'm a loner. ...

There's nothing wrong with dancing to the beat of your own drum. Plus, it's not your fault if they are all poor conversationalists. 😉

I hate the holidays. My Christmas tree has progressively become smaller and smaller. I'm down to six glass ornaments and a six inch string of battery powered lights. It's all the cheer I can stand. Thankfully, I'm able to laugh about my attitude.

If you haven't already, please visit the Loners Group and Take the Test:
https://democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1237&pid=526

I have other ideas. DUmail me if you're interested and stay encouraged, Beatlelvr. We love you. ❤️

[Beatlelvr]

28. Love you back!

[littlemissmartypants]

31. TY ❤️

[AverageOldGuy]

23. Maybe try this for Christmas

Check throughout your community for church or other organization that has a free Christmas dinner. Volunteer with them to serve - set up, serve, replenish dishes, greeter, clean up. You will meet a lot of people, many who need someone to talk with.

[mtngirl47]

25. Why do you think Americans started making football the center of Thanksgiving?

Nobody has anything to say to each other! The under 40 crowd spend their lives on-line and they don't know how or have forgotten how to have a conversation. After a few seconds they will look at their phone. Are they asking siri what to say to their old Auntie? Or have you reached the end of their attention span?

My own adult children are polite to older relatives and then they find a TV to watch a football game or a Christmas movie that they've seen a dozen times. My sister puts a fireplace video on her TV and there are people at her holiday gathering watching a fake fire on TV! (In all fairness I have been known to sit and watch a fire with a glass of wine in my hand--usually when I'm alone, not when a party is happening!)

Someone in this thread mentioned knitting or crochet---it reminded me of my grandmother. She was a mother of 12 and grandmother of 42 (I don't know how many greats). Anyway, from the time I was very young I remember her sitting in her rocking chair and crocheting. The house would be full of people, the men smoking on the porch, kids running, someone banging the keys on the piano and my grandmother would rock and crochet and smile as she looked on at us all.

Put on your ugly sweater and go to the Christmas celebration--take your knitting or crochet project with you!

[Beatlelvr]

27. Actually, I DO knit and crochet

Mostly for charity projects, but thats a good idea. A book also.
I could put in my earbuds, listen to my ipod, and crochet my latest whatever.
I'm sure I can find a nice corner somewhere....
I wish I could have you all over for fondue!

[mtngirl47]

30. Hey--have you watched the new Beatles Anthology on Disney?

I watched the first two last night and it was fun! Nothing new so far, but it's always great to watch and listen to the Beatles!

[Ocelot II]

29. Old, divorced, no kids, I no longer get invited to holiday gatherings

now that my one sibling in the area always goes with his wife to their daughter's house, and she (my niece) doesn't invite me to these things. Her kids, 7 and 9, couldn't pick me out of a lineup. My other sibling lives in a distant state. Both call me on holidays, there's no hostility, but I'm just not included. So I'm always alone on holidays, and to tell you the truth I kind of like it. While I feel a little hurt that I don't get invited, at the same time I wouldn't really want to go if I were. My SIL doesn't especially like me and it shows; back in the days when I was invited I was mostly ignored anyhow. So, what the hell. Find something else to do or just make your own holiday. I've considered booking a winter cabin up in the north woods for the occasion, just to go, read, meditate, realx in a quiet place without being besieged with Christmas crap.

[Calico20]

32. Yes,somewhat similar

situation here. I'm 68,retired, never married or had children.My parents,both siblings and all aunts & uncles are deceased. Out of tragedy comes some good, in that since my brother was killed(OMVI crashed into him in 2023----defendant to be sentenced on (Giving) Tues.!)---his daughter and I have gotten back in touch.----------------We started going to a wonderful holiday concert program (OK, at my alma mater) and then out to dinner. Thats about all I do for the winter holidays but its enough for me.----I do send cards to some cousins & friends of the family. I'm also putting together a gift bag of small items to donate to nursing home residents.

[tanyev]

34. Married with no kids, and that would be us if our family lived closer.

I’m actually relieved we don’t live close enough for holiday invitations, especially Christmas. My nieces and nephew are great, and their kids are great, but, no, I do not want to sit there for hours on Christmas morning watching their kids attack the mountain of presents with accompanying shrieks of delight and possible cries of outrage as the morning wears on and the kids start squabbling over the best presents.

And although they would be thoughtful enough to have little presents for me too, I would really rather go see a movie than sit through someone else’s Christmas extravaganza.

I don’t know when holidays became so loaded with emotional baggage. Maybe when all the lifestyle gurus started giving “advice” on how to make it the “Best _____ Ever!” and Pinterest created new standards for holiday decorating and entertaining.

I prefer to see my relatives in non- holiday situations and have quiet holidays at home. There is NOTHING wrong with that!

[Diamond_Dog]

35. My sis is a widow with no children

She is always welcome at my house on Christmas but driving an hour and 45 min. one way in NE Ohio winter weather is not always practical. Two years ago she joined a volunteer group at a church who delivers hot meals to shut-ins on Christmas. They pair you up with someone and give you hot dinners, and a map. The gratitude of the recipients is so overwhelming (in a good way) she told me. Some of the elderly folks lived alone and just needed to see a friendly face.

But I understand this isn’t for everyone. I hope your counselor can help you cope. It’s a stressful time for most people and I wish all the best for you.