Every Steven Seagal shitfest "movie" in a nutshell for levity's sake
Every Steven Seagal movie in a nutshell:
-Seagal is either special forces, government agent, pacifist with a high a kill count, vigilante, law enforcement, Harvard professor, doctor, philanthropist, ex special forces, ex government agent, or ex law enforcement
-Seagal is treated like the second coming of Jesus Christ
-Seagal will mumble his way through scenes or require the use of voice dubbing from other people
-Seagal probably does his scenes in one take
-Body doubles that do everything which includes fighting, walking, and standing
-Loads of plot convenience
-Opening scene that has no connection to rest of the plot and is never mentioned again
-Seagal will be portrayed as the hero but does plenty of illegal stuff
-Seagal will hook up with women significantly younger than him
-Sudden tone shift in Seagal movies
-Seagal’s accent will either be Italian, Russian, Irish, Native American, Asian, Japanese, Black, or Hispanic
-Multiple plot threads that go nowhere and abandoned by the end of the movie
-Seagal will be sitting down for most of his scenes
-In some Seagal movies, Seagal will sometimes appear for 10 to 20 minutes
-Stupid sounding title names that try to sound cool
-Seagal’s self insert oc will have stupid names that try to sound cool
-The aspect ratio in some Seagal movies will be stretched out to make Seagal look slimmer
-Whenever Seagal does a fight scene, he does his patented slap fighting or flails his arms like a weirdo (and will also never take a hit and be sitting down)
-Whenever Seagal uses a gun, he does his patented no look shooting and gun will always have infinite ammo and never jam
-Fight scenes will sometimes be shot with darkness, shaky cam, or jump cuts to hide Seagal’s weight or his stunt doubles
-Every Seagal movie either takes place in Eastern Europe, Southeast Asia, random locations in the USA, or Mexico
-Mandatory strip club scene
-Whenever Seagal has a team, everyone will die, vanish, or do nothing while Seagal does all the work
-Whenever Seagal has a sidekick, his sidekick will someone who is more competent at acting and fighting but will usually die, vanish, or do nothing
-Whenever R Belly has a wife, love interest, or daughter, they usually end up dying or being kidnapped and someone younger takes their place
-Seagal’s crappy movies will sometimes be a sequel to another crappy Seagal movie
-Seagal will wear whatever he wants despite the situation
-Seagal will always walk into the next plot point
-Plots usually resolve themselves in the first 10 or 20 minutes
-Reuse of footage
-Filler that puts most anime to shame
-Movies will abruptly end after hitting 90 minutes
-Terrible special effects and green screen
-Despite being an “action star”, Seagal will never hold a gun correctly and always flinches or blinks when shooting a gun
-One liners and jokes that fall flatter than Seagal’s “acting career”
-Use of random military jargon
-Fully clothed s€x scenes
-Seagal will sometimes have a family, wife, or love interest that appears at the end of the movie
-On the movie’s cover art, Seagal’s head will be photoshopped on someone else’s body
-Whatever government agency that Seagal works for apparently has jurisdiction over the entire world
-Every Steven Seagal movie is a mega blockbuster hit movie
-Seagal is always revealed to be prick to everyone on every film set he waddles on
Anything else I forget?
= new reply since forum marked as read
Vs--uHf4sE,st:0
please note my sarcasm
