Time for my Sunday night therapy. More brain-droppings.
Last edited Mon May 12, 2025, 08:55 AM - Edit history (1)
I find that I feel sometimes better when I post about what is going on in my life. Putting stuff on D.U. helps me organize my thoughts.
So here goes.
I learned yesterday, that one of my former lovers died last month. She was one of many. Maybe too many. We had two good years together and we broke up. Neither of us did any wrong to the other. It was just that things weren't going to work out and never could work out. The last time I saw her, we were both crying about losing each other. That was maybe 30 years ago. We had no contact with each other after that. I continued to think about her from time to time as I would hear about her from friends we have in common. She was one of two "that got away."
I learned around three months ago that she had cancer. I thought of writing or calling to offer my sympathy but I couldn't get into my head about how that would help her in any way and would probably cause her distress. So I didn't. Now I can't.
Too many former lovers -- I did have a lot over a 20 year period from when my ex divorced me. The divorce came from her suffering from extreme postpartum depression. We stayed friends and after Joyce died, I moved back into the house with my ex and have remained there for, going on 12 years. We appreciate each other more than when we were married. Joyce and I lived and loved together for 23 years. Her last words to me were that I was the best thing that ever happened to me.
But back to the other women. I can't say that I treated all of them with honesty but that I broke off relationships when I felt I could not give myself completely to them.
Others? I gave them my everything I could. One broke off because her friend told her I was not good for her. That "friend" married her a few months later and she took off after he became physically abusive. I still think about her and wish we could have had a long, loving relationship..
And that is the problem I think about all of those women. I wonder if they are O.K. How many are even still alive? And I get sad thinking about them. Did I do any of them "wrong?" Thinking on it, while writing this - no one was physically, mentally or financially abused but I feel badly about some of the break-ups.
What is the poem? Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
For me, those words do not ring true. I think I would be emotionally better off today if I had never had any of those women in my life as lovers.
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