Borowitz - Things That Go Trump in the Night
Last edited Fri Oct 31, 2025, 09:34 PM - Edit history (1)
Nowadays, Trump is always up for a fight, especially if it’s on social media and with a woman. But back in the 1960s, he was terrified of getting anywhere near the armed forces of Ho Chi Minh. Unable to be a conscientious objector since he was born without a conscience, young Donald draft-dodged via something else he wasn’t born with: bone spurs in his heels. Dr. Larry Braunstein, a Queens podiatrist who rented office space in a building owned by Donald’s father, Fred, concocted the diagnosis that kept the pampered real estate scion half a world away from the rice paddies of Indochina. In exchange, one of Braunstein’s daughters told the New York Times, “If there was anything wrong in the building, my dad would call and (Fred) Trump would take care of it immediately.” In fairness, Trump didn’t shrink from combat when he attended boarding school at the New York Military Academy: in a signature display of valor, he tried to push his roommate, Ted Levine, out a window. Levine was four foot eleven and 120 pounds.
Germs
Although Trump brims with courage when confronted with people under five feet, he lives in mortal terror of something much smaller: germs. Trump’s fear of microscopic organisms that might alight on his microscopic hands has been well documented: in 2019, Daniel Lippman of Politico called him “the most germ-conscious man to ever lead the free world.” In 1993, Trump told Howard Stern that his germaphobia “could be a psychological problem.” Fourteen years later, in another Stern appearance, it was clear that he had not sought professional help for this problem. Speaking of his infant son, Barron, he revealed, “When he has a cold, I just keep him away from me.” Yes, Trump’s fear of infection is so powerful, it made him treat Barron like Tiffany. In a cruel twist of fate, Trump’s darkest fears about germs were realized in 2020 when he contracted COVID, despite having access to state-of-the-art preventatives like horse dewormer and drinkable bleach.
Losing
Trump’s profound horror of losing compelled him to deny the results of the 2020 election and incite an insurrection at the Capitol. But a lesser-known eruption of this crippling fear occurred in February of 1990. Having wormed his way into the inner circle of Mike Tyson, the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, Trump flew to Tokyo to watch his friend take on Buster Douglas, a lightly regarded palooka and 42–1 underdog. In one of the biggest upsets in sports history, Douglas dethroned the champ, knocking out Tyson in the tenth round. “It’s over for him,” Trump said. “He’ll never come back from this.” He was eager to congratulate Douglas after the fight, but didn’t want to get anywhere near his friend, the now former champion, out of a fear that losing might be as contagious as an STD. “I’m not going to Tyson’s dressing room,” he said. “I can’t go near him. It might rub off. The same thing could happen to me.” Despite this abundance of caution, a few months later the same thing did happen to him, as his business empire was KO’d by debt.
Sharks
Of Trump’s many phobias, none is more famous, perhaps, than his fear of sharks. In 2018, his former paramour, Stormy Daniels, told In Touch about her odd encounter with Donald in a bungalow at The Beverly Hills Hotel: “He was watching Shark Week and he was watching a special about the U.S.S. something and it sank and it was like the worst shark attack in history. He is obsessed with sharks. Terrified of sharks. He was like, ‘I donate to all these charities and I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks. I hope all the sharks die.’ He was like riveted. He was like obsessed. It’s so strange, I know.” Trump has made no secret of his enmity toward the toothy predators of the deep. “I’m just not a fan of sharks,” he tweeted in 2013, adding in a second tweet, “Sharks are last on my list – other than perhaps the losers and haters of the World!” This tweet is notable for combining three of his fears: sharks, losing, and the rules of capitalization. But five years later, Trump would add another fear to his list: Stormy herself. He directed then-lawyer Michael Cohen and still-son Eric Trump to seek a restraining order against her to keep her from blabbing about their sex romps. Despite their best efforts, Stormy went on to tweet prolifically about the man she dubbed “Tiny.”
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/things-that-go-trump-in-the-night
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