White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—Assuring Americans that a routine medical exam had confirmed the president had no pressing health concerns, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, claimed Wednesday that Donald Trump was a perfectly healthy 9-foot-tall 35-year-old.

“After concluding his physical, I can say with confidence that President Trump exhibits normal vitals for a titanic behemoth born in 1991,” Barbabella told reporters, adding that the commander-in-chief’s cardiovascular health was so exemplary that he had finally cracked the three-minute mile.

“I can also say that, contrary to some negative health speculations in the press, the president’s capacity to levitate two feet off the ground is undiminished. And in my professional opinion, his pyrokinetic abilities have surpassed those of any world leader in history.”

Barbabella went on to state that Trump’s dunking skills remained at NBA-level.

https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-claims-trump-a-perfectly-healthy-9-foot-tall-35-year-old/

[MustLoveBeagles]

1. Lol

Last edited Wed Jun 3, 2026, 02:00 PM - Edit history (1)

The Whitehouse doesn't exaggerate quite that much but it's close.

[Soul_of_Wit]

2. Let's play another round of Onion or Borowitz (n/m)

[LetMyPeopleVote]

3. I love the Onion

[The Roux Comes First]

4. It's WAY Past Time We Got Jane in Here! I Would Swear His Name Has Been Bowdlerized! It's "Barbarella"!

[Goonch]

5. ;-{) 3:00 AM @ THE WHITE HOUSE

[niyad]

6. Are we sure dear old quack. . .errr, doc, didn't actually write something

like that?

[jmowreader]

7. I will agree on one thing here

His pyrokinetic skills are unmatched. No one burns down the country like he does.