Spurious News: To get on $250 bill, Trump declares himself dead!

[jmowreader]

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump has directed the United States Treasury to produce and issue, in honor of the 250th anniversary of the founding of the United States, a $250 bill bearing a likeness of himself.

A federal law, 31 USC 5114(3)(b) clearly states, "only the portrait of a deceased individual may appear on United States currency and securities."

Trump has found a solution to this conundrum: he has declared himself legally dead.

A newly issued executive order declares, "I, President Donald J. Trump, hereby declare myself dead for the purpose of depicting myself on the $250 bill and for no other purpose."

In response, Representative Jasmine Crockett (D-TX) filed a piece of legislation entitled "The Dead Means Dead, Motherfucker Act of 2026."

"In the 1860s, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing was called the National Currency Bureau," said Rep. Crockett. "Its first superintendent was Spencer Clark. Back then they had fractional currency notes, which were like paper nickels and dimes. Congress ordered the National Currency Bureau to make a five-cent fractional note with William Clark's picture on it. Instead, it went to the public with Spencer Clark's own picture on it. Congress got pissed and Representative Martin Thayer wrote a law that said you had to be dead before you could be on our money. This idiot Trump thinks he can put his own face on money when he ain't dead? Ah HELL no!"

The Dead Means Dead, Motherfucker Act is designed to stop this from happening. It has several stipulations, including that at least five doctors who are registered members of a political party the president isn't in must declare him dead, a wooden stake must be driven through his heart and his coffin must be inspected by a bipartisan panel of at least fifty Members of Congress to be sure he or she is in it. It further requires that at least ten years pass before the president may be depicted on any US currency.

"I put the wooden stake thing in there just for fun," said Rep. Crockett. "I figured they'd take it out in committee, but after everyone got a good laugh the Republicans said, 'yeah, let's leave that in there.' A couple of them wanted to have a staking ceremony on national television. That's fine by me, so we put it in the bill."

The Dead Means Dead, Motherfucker Act of 2026 currently has enough sponsors to override an expected presidential veto.