Spurious News: Trump installs drop boxes for bribes in front of White House, Trump buildings
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump's administrations have been described as "pay to play" schemes, a label they don't deny.
"President Trump is a businessman," said a White House spokesman, "and if you want something from a businessman, you're expected to pay for it."
He has made the process of paying for his favors much easier with a new series of boxes installed at many places that he loves: the White House, Trump Tower New York, Trump Tower Chicago, all his golf courses and the Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Fla.
These drop boxes take the form of a curbside mail collection box, which the US Postal Service refers to as a "snorkel collection box receptacle" or "courtesy box," emblazoned with patriotic imagery and the words "Bribes for President Trump" on all four sides. Each one has a debit card reader if the briber wants to give money to King Donald electronically. There are racks for envelopes the bribes are to be put into. "These are nice," said the spokesman. "You put your name and address on the envelope and write in what favor you want the president to do for you in exchange for your bribe. Of course, the bigger the favor the bigger the bribe has to be. For instance, if you want one law that's affecting your business overruled via an executive order that's $25,000, and if you want an entire agency that's costing you money broken up that's between $5 million and $25 million depending on how big the agency is. A whole new law that's favorable to your business, now that's gonna cost you huge because we have to pay off Congressmen and Senators."
"We have a special deal for President Trump's hospitality properties," said the spokesman. "When you check into one of President Trump's hotels or play at one of his golf courses, the electronic device you insert your payment card into brings up a screen where you can type in the amount of money you want to give President Trump. You get ten choices, ranging from $10,000 to $500 million. If you choose a bribe bigger than $1 million you currently will get several charges on your bank statement because the credit card system can't handle a payment bigger than that, so our computers split it up for you. Since you can't type into the terminal what you want for your money, the receptionist will type it into your check-in screen. We're very happy with it and a lot of people have been using it."
Democrats are not surprised by this development. "At least they're coming out and saying what they're doing," said Senator Brian Schatz (D-HI).
Some Republicans see the merit in King Donald's actions. "I was a little concerned," said a Republican Congressman from a medium-size state, "until someone broke into my Capitol-area home when I was on a fact-finding trip, stole my bed frame and set my mattress on 40 cases of dynamite. Now I think this is the boldest act of leadership any president has ever done."