Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood (satire)

[milestogo]

AUSTIN, TX—Proclaiming that he had “done enough,” billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a step back from fatherhood. “I’ve accomplished all I really intended to accomplish as a father—spreading my seed, preserving my bloodline—and now I can spend more time focusing on other things,” said Musk, who told reporters that after pouring millions of dollars and sperm cells into the project, he was ready to scale that number back to zero.

“I need to get my priorities in line. Fatherhood distracted me from what really matters, which is running Tesla. If I see a reason to do it in the future, I’ll do it, but currently, I don’t see a reason.” At press time, sources revealed that Musk’s decision may have been motivated by falling popularity among his children.

https://theonion.com/elon-musk-announces-plans-to-step-back-from-fatherhood/

[magicarpet]

1. Eloon has decided to become celebate ....

..... renounce the fact that he was a capitalist,.. hand in his gold card to the Nazi Club,... and buy his way to become the next Pope at the Vatican.
He will buy the new one off with a $200 billion payoff to go skiing in Switzerland for the rest of his life.

eLoon should make a wonderful Pope.

[a kennedy]

2. OMGAWD.......I started reading this, and am thinking bout damn time, THEN I SEE IT's THE ONION.

And still thought damn, I wish it WERE true.

[GopherGal]

3. If he backs further away from fatherhood...

He'll end up backing all the way around the world and into it again.

Or, for the flat-earthers, he'd back right off the edge and into the void.
(I"m not actually a flat-earther, but I could maybe consider conversion in gratitude for this divine miracle, especially if he took a rotund orange friend with him...)